Velvet · lies

I am severely fucked up.

I was sitting here, in my classroom of all places, and just thought...what would be the harm in just overloading my system with pills, ODing, and just dying in my sleep tonight? I don't have much of a will any longer, it has all disappeared, just like almost every single one of my fucking friends. People that claimed that they wouldn't allow me to alienate them, have turned around and done so, and I cannot physically take this shit any longer. I don't want to hear nonsense about how busy things have been, how I am not doing squat (that is the whole idea of alienation...duh), and none of that nonsense because I don't believe a god damn word of it any longer.

So I am ranting, bug fucking deal

I am so tired of being used for other people's business because that is all I feel like...a friend of convenience. Well, since that convenience has appearently dried up and disappeared, perhaps I should do the same damn thing. Just disappear and leave you all the hell alone because that is what you seem to like to happen...not like any of you have reached out and tried to see what the fuck was going on in my life. You just expect me to always get ahold of you. And I cannot do it...I never had to do it, and I am not going to bother doing it if all I will get is silence in return.

No one will even care after I am gone, so what's the point in ranting?

Current Mood:

depressed

Where I had a complete blast...as always...and it was like the first time in a while that I was able to leave some place smiling and not have it being a fake smile...hardly. This was real, genuine, and slightly melancholy because I want to be performing...more than anything else in the world I want to be on stage and performing and just having fun. This life that I have right now, it is far from fun and I miss who I used to be...like...10 yrs ago. Sure, I had my problems, I was still a loner in school, but at least I was happy and I didn't know what depression truly was.

Now it's like because I know all of this life shit, I cannot run from it and it weighs me down. I honestly don't know how much longer I can be expected to live this lie that I have been living for so long. I want to run away from it, but there is no place to run. I don't trust anyone enough to run to them...why should I? I am constantly being hurt and I am so closed off from people. I just cannot reach out and contact others any longer because it isn't me. People don't like me, and I don't blame them. I cannot expect anyone to like someone that I don't even like.

Current Mood:

crushed

I don't know why I am writing in here again. I mean, there is really not much to say, just that I am going to venture out into this new..."diet" thing and I am not nervous, just more expecting it to fail than anything. I don't succeed with anything, so I have a feeling that that will be my undoing with this. I don't have as much support as I claim to have and I don't have anyone willing to just do it with me...just people complaining about the cost. Honestly, if it makes me feel better, then that should be enough, right? But apparently my happiness isn't as vital as many claim it to be. Maybe everyone is happy to see me miserable and don't want me to change...maybe I should just give them what they want and die miserable and alone. Thank you very much.

Current Mood:

cold

I know...ripping off a song in a manner of speaking, but what the hell, ain't like no one else has ever done it before. I was just in the shower, thinking things through and it just sort of came to me that I had to chuckle at the irony. Ha, that last little bit rhymed...whatever. It's like, I am tired of people making decisions for me because they think that I am incapable of making them myself. Yes...play off of the whole, we are just worried about your sanity thing, cause that is the only damn excuse you have to do so and it ain't working with me.

I am me...I am the only one that knows and understand what I want and what I don't want and I am tired of having words forced into my mouth that I don't want to say and definitely aren't willing or ready to say them. You may think you know what I want or what I am thinking, but you are so wrong. Stop fucking around with my head...please. There is only room enough for me in there. Shit...I said that word again. Looks like I will go to hell for it...not really, it is just a word and a rather fun one at that to say, but alas, I shouldn't say such things.

Everyone wants to change me, like me being me isn't good enough. Well if me being me ain't good enough, then what the fuck am I doing here in the first place? Obviously I am the way that I am and the way that I was meant to be, but you don't want to understand that...you don't want to see that, and because of the constant shunning, the shutting me out of everything, I have come to hate who I am. There is nothing to change how I feel towards myself either. But you aren't getting that and you are still forcing me to make this change that will make me miserable.

As if I ain't miserable enough
I have this dreadful cold.

Current Mood:

sick

Not just a normal tired, just wanting to sleep and get away for a few momenre to get away from it all...no, this is a real tired where I just want to give up and throw in the bloody towel and just say fuck it all. Yes...I just said that and it felt...good actually. Obviously I have not changed what so ever, in fact, I am getting more depressed by the day and I am just wanting to just disappear. I have come to the conclusion that if I disappeared, then no one would even care...and you know what, I am dead right and I know it.

So why bother staying around?

I don't know...you tell me. I just don't want to think about it any more, I don't want to focus on it all...I just want to push all this shit aside and get back to being me, but what is me? I don't even know any more sadly and part of me doesn't even want to know really. And some people are just not buffeted by my moods...those are people that talk to me no matter what, they take that extra step to get through to me, and even if I don't appreciate a few of them...there are one or two that really make me...smile. And stick around just for them.

Don't say those things...

I have told people that over and over again, and there are a few resiliant pricks that don't want to listen. There are things that...I haven't told anyone and I don't plan on telling anyone because no one fucking cares...why should I tell them if I know it doesn't matter to them. I have no one to complain to because they all alienated me. So here I sit, bitter with myself, hating life, and just wishing that I was gone. I thought about slitting my wrists the other day...but then I realized, it wouldn't do any good, people would still live on without me, like they have been doing all this time.

Throw in the towel...but what good is it doing?

Current Mood:

stressed

My cell phone...

Yes, the blonde went and washed the cell phone...

So now I am like...well damn, have to buy a new one, with what money and yeah...I feel like a complete fool...and now that I wrote about it, I still feel like a complete fool.

Blegh

Current Mood:

frustrated

At first I thought that it was for no reason at all, but then I realized something.

I haven't talked to him in over two weeks...and it hurts.

Normally it doesn't bother me when I don't talk to someone in a long time, but with him, he is special and he hasn't been on in ages and it hurts...it hurts a lot...cause I don't know if he is well, I don't know if he is happy...I don't know anything...and that is what hurts the most.

Wonder if he realizes how much I care...